No more

I’ve got no more hope

No more “but it’s gunna get better” 

No more fight left in me. 

When your own mother called you a disappointment…that hit me hard. Like seriously, you have no idea what your daughter is dealing with. By herself. Don’t fucking tell me I have an attitude problem when I’m talking back to you to prove my point. I raise my voice instead of crying. It’s just what I do. I don’t break down in front of people like a normal person…I just replace it with anger. But then mother, behind the closed doors, I cry…I cry a lot. I’m weak and you just make me weaker when you tell me I’m a disappointment. Do you not realise anything? I mean really?…how can a mother not see her child is in hell and is this close to haven’t a fucking break down. Why can’t you see it?! Why can’t anyone see I’m being destroyed from the inside out. 

My head…my head physically hurts from the pain you put me through, to the point where I can’t even cry anymore. I’m so weak that I can’t even cry. I just sit. Sit in the corner of my room and stare at one point on the wall. For hours.  Not once have you ever asked if I was okay…about anything. Not once have you questioned why my eyes are obviously puffy from crying. This “family” is destroying me. The physically pain you all cause me…I’m not talking about self harm or abuse…I’m talking about my head and chest physically hurting from the stress and anger. I can explain it. Like my head feels like it’s actually shattering. 

Not long now till my big ’18th’…no long now till I leave this shit hole. Even if I end up living alone somewhere with no one to talk to…it’s better than being in a place that’s destroying me. 

Okay…

Before I start: sorry for punctuation, spelling and grammar…I’m a shit writter so please understand.

So first things first I guess…I want to keep this blog anonymous but I will say I am a 17 year old girl. I decided to start this because I thought I’d try one last time to make myself better before consoling with a professional. You’re probably wondering what I mean now right? I think it’s very likely that I have depression but I don’t want to go to the doctors about it because then everyone will find out and I’m not ready for anyone to know I guess. I thought that getting advice and talking to others, anonymously would help more because I’m less embarrassed to tell my story.

So, I’ve done all the online tests for depression, I know they aren’t accurate but it’s got to count for something right? They have all said that it’s very likely I have depression but I don’t want to be selfish and waste the doctors time if I’m just “being a teenager”. I’ve told two of my closest friends about it and they both want me to go to the doctors but I’m scared.

Some of the symptoms I feel…

1)feelings of worthlessness, helplessness- having recently sat several entrance exams and various other schooling tests, I feel like I’ve failed all of them and now I don’t know what I’m going to do in the future..if I don’t pass, I’m not going to get into the uni I want to go to and then I don’t know where that leaves I
Me. It’s hard to know that my friends are going to go onto bigger things and I’m just going to get left behind. I feel like I’m silently screaming out for help but they’re not listening. I’m drowning. I’m trying to keep my head above the water but every little thing drags me inches below and I’m desperate for someone to grab my hand and tell me it’s gunna be okay, that they’ll help me, they’ll stay with me, they’ll fight for me and look out for me. But no. No one is likely that. They let me to “be positive and stop thinking of the negatives. That’s it? That’s all they tell me..they don’t understand that I can’t just switch my emotions on and off. This is why I feel hopeless. I feel worthless because I’m constantly made to feel that I’m not worth talking to. I’m not worth helping. I have no hope.

2)lack of energy- I literally have zero energy. Physically. I have no energy to walk around, I get tiered and sleeping.

3)angry- I don’t get on with my family much…they are constantly shouting out me for this or that…because they don’t have a clue about how I really feel, they don’t know what the shout actually does to me. The constant nagging and ‘little chats’ drive me mad and I storm off angry. I shout and punch the wall. I throw things on the ground and scream. As much as I try and hide this whole depression thing…the anger is probably the hardest thing to control. When I’m sad and feel like crying, it’s easy to put a big fake smile on and laugh…but the anger cannot be hidden.

4)too much sleep and over eat-I get plenty of sleep. On some nights I can sleep for a good 13hours!!! (11.00pm -12/13.00pm the next day) but I still wake up feeling so tiered. I’m always tiered. Always. And the food….I’m not fat, I’m pretty skinny and try to go to the gym on average 5 times a week after schooling. It keeps me occupied I guess. Anyways…I eat a lot of sugary foods because it beings me up. I feel better when eating them…but then I just feel sick. A nothing thing is…I drink…only at party’s and gatherings though! Not by myself or anything. Even though I feel depressed, I keep all of it, and I meant ALL of it bottled up. So from the outside, I’m actually quite a loud, “fun” person. I go to parties a lot and get drunk. It makes me have a good time and forget I’m sad…but I know it’s not good to drink away your problems.

5) self-loathing. People contribute to this. They make me feel worthless, so then I, in myself feel like I’m not worth anything to anyone and it makes me dislike myself. A lot.

6)concentration problems. I can’t concentrate or stay focused at college or on anything in general. I’m easily distracted. Someone will be having a conversation with me and I’ll just completely zone out on them. And I’m pretty sure that my lack of concentration has lead to me failing my exams.

7)thoughts of death- I wouldn’t class myself as suicidal…I don’t ‘cut’ but I have harmed myself in other ways in the past. My thoughts of death come when I listen to music. It sounds weird, but when I sink into this hole of depression, I put my headphones on and listening to sad songs. While the song is playing, I’ll act out (in my head) a scene of me dying or hurt. As if it were a music video. I guess it kind of helps me. I think this helps me because When I’m ‘acting out’ the scene, the other people in the ‘scene’ are crying and sad that I’m dying. It makes me feel like they care and that they’ll be sad if I actually did die. I think this is really selfish of me. It makes me feel wanted.

This is just a brief outline of my feelings…I want this blog to kind of be an open dairy of mine…I want to write my feelings and thoughts and then you guys comment your thoughts and ideas. Whether it’s that you’re in a similar situation, want to help me with advice and stories…ANYTHING. This is my last strand of hope…after this, I might consider seeing a professional if I feel it’s worth it.

Please help me.